While it’s been almost three whole months, it feels like just yesterday I lost my friend. I’ve lost grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, a fiancée, fur babies and now a friend. Not just a friend. One of my best friends. My bestie. My soul sister. Losing a close friend just hits different. If you are lucky enough to have a person who chooses to love you unconditionally and without judgement, listens to you, gives the best advise or sometimes, no advise at all, who laughs with you, cries with you and shares all the special moments with you in between; cherish that person forever. They are rare. Unique. Special. One of a kind. Some people search their whole lives for this type of friendship and never find it. I feel blessed to have had such a wonderful friend for as long as she was in my life.
I’m going to refer to her as Angel. After all, she is my guardian angel now. Me and Angel knew each other for the better part of 20 years. We talked on the phone for hours, hung out many times, cooked together, had a few drinks, laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company and had fun. To me, she was always a burst of energy, yet a breath of fresh air. She was blunt. She didn’t candy coat anything. I loved and hated that about her. At least you always knew where you stood with her. What you saw was what you got. She was probably one of the most genuine people I had ever met. And she had a heart of gold. She was a corrections officer for many years, so she learned to wear a poker face. And she never kept a large circle of friends. But she was kind to everybody. And somehow, I was lucky enough to be called one of her best friends.
Life happens; she got married to her childhood sweetheart and had kids and had her job. And I had my kids and grandkids and my job so there were times where we would go months or maybe even a year or better without talking or hanging out. But when we would reconnect, it was like we never missed a beat. We followed each other on social media, so we did still keep up with each other. She called me when her mom died, and I went with her to the funeral home. They had her cremated so there was no service. But still, Angel’s husband wouldn’t go with her, so I did. And after we left there, we went to Applebee’s for lunch. We shared many good times together. So many laughs, but we also shed lots of tears together too.
One random night around Christmas 2023, Angel sent me this simple text message. It read: “Please pray for me and the girls”. It kind of caught me off guard so I asked her if everything was alright. Her husband had met another woman. Angel was absolutely devastated. We began calling and texting every single day after that text. She revealed to me that she was having some health issues, but she was fine. I really should have pressed for more information about how sick she was. I never fully realized the mask that she wore, the suffering she endured, the fake upbeat tone in her voice so she didn’t have to burden anyone with her sickness. Or how scared she must have been. Most of our conversations were about how she was trying to heal from the pain of her divorce. And what the kids were up to each day, and how we both were just two broke bitches trying to make ends meet.
We would talk about her ex. Alot. She wanted to hate him so bad and just couldn’t. She was so angry and hurt by his betrayal. I had my own things going on at that time and some days we just tried our best to encourage each other. You know, put one foot in front of the other. Just one day at a time. I would always tell her, “Tomorrow will be better”. And tomorrow would come and she would say “I had some good moments today”. It took a long tiime before she claimed to have a good day and not just good moments, so we took all the good moments that we had and celebrated them. We spent hours upon hours on the phone like teenagers. Every time something happened, we had to call to tell each other about it. What I will never understand, is how did she hide her sickness so well? Or was I so oblivious? Did she try to tell me and I didn’t want to hear it? Was she in denial? Was I? She knew I struggled with death so a part of me thinks she didn’t want me to worry about her. Or she didn’t want me to leave her alone like her husband did.
Angel had a pet pig. He stayed in the house most of the time and went outside to use the bathroom. She used to tell me that the pig was mean to people he didn’t know. That is why she never had any company come over. It made sense to me. I have dogs and they don’t like anybody. And it probably easier to put a dog up in a room than it is to put a pig up. I invited Angel and her kids to come over all the time. Especially during the summer when the pool was open. But Angel always had an excuse. Looking back now, she knew what she was doing. She was able to maintain a happy voice as long as I couldn’t actually put my eyes on her. I know she was lonely. She told me that all the time. Her girls were older and had their own agenda. They also struggled watching their mom live in a state of depression over what their father did. There were times when my phone would ring at midnight or 2,3,4 am and Angel would just want me to sit on the phone with her as she cried so she wasn’t alone. If I would have known how lonely she really was, I would have found a way for us to get together. Pig or no pig, I would have sat there with her. I feel so guilty for not noticing. I feel like I could have, should have been better for her somehow. Jet at the same time, I think I was exactly what she wanted and needed me to be during the most difficult time in her life. She was definitely everything I needed at that moment in time.
I still talk to her. I imagine her voice and her laugh. Every time she called me she would say: hey girl, heyyyyy” and that echoes in my brain. The last time I ever talked to her, I had no idea that would be the last time I would hear that phrase. Or her voice. She told me that had to go for some tests, and she would let me know the results. I tried to text her that night, but she didn’t answer. I wasn’t worried because I figured she was resting. She had the most abnormal sleep schedule. Plus, when I talked to her, she sounded fine. A little tired maybe, but normal. The next morning, I text her and still no response. So, a couple hours later, I called her and got her voicemail. She would do this from time to time. And being in the hospital, you sleep when you can. Or maybe she forgot to charge her phone or something. Finally, a couple more hours passed and I called again. It rang one time and went to voicemail. A quick second later my phone rang and it was her. I answered the phone with relief. Only it wasn’t her, but her daughter. She asked me if I was driving and I was. So she told me to pull over to the side of the road. And then she told me that Angel was gone. She said it happened quickly, and Angel went peacefully. Her daughters held her in the room at the hospital until I got there to tell her goodbye. There was no service. No memorial. Right now, it’s just too painful for her girls.
As reality has kicked in, I’ve tried to process the whole last 15 months of her life. And all I can do is hope that I helped Angel feel less alone. I hope she knows that she was loved. I hope that she knew she was enough. I hope she knew how much she was valued. I wish I would have known her battle so she wouldn’t have faced that mountain alone. She was so brave. I miss her so much. I miss our talks over absolutely nothing. I miss her jokes and her laugh. I miss her being a part of my everyday life. But at the same time, I am happy that she is free. She feels no more pain or suffering. Although her story came to an end way sooner than it should have, I am honored to have been pages in her book. Just as she is in mine. I will cherish our friendship and love Angel forever. Until we meet again one day.