Author: Robin

Every woman will eventually go through menopause. We all know about the change of life but in reality, we really don’t know anything. It is like the most taboo subject to talk about. It literally amazes me how open people are to so many things that society deems as acceptable these days. But menopause is one of those forbidden subjects that we throw into the dark abyss, sweep under the rug and pretend doesn’t exist. I am going to step out of the quiet land of rainbows and butterflies and be open to discuss all the dirty little secrets that everybody tries to hide. While I have not yet reached menopause, I have many years of experience in perimenopause. From my own through process, menopause can only get better from here. At least I hope so.

I have days where I feel normal. Well, it’s probably more like my own form of normal. And there are days where I feel like I am having an out of body experience watching the spawn of Satan dictate my every thought and move. I can’t remember exactly when my doctor told me I was in perimenopause, but it seems like I have been stuck in this miserable hell for well over a decade. I started my first menstrual cycle when I was in the fifth grade. It was quite embarrassing since I had no clue what was happening to me. I had two children, one at 19 and one at 22. After my second child, I was irregular, began having heavy flows and stayed in extreme pain. After several doctor and ER visits, I was finally referred to a specialist who determined that I had endometriosis. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. I had two surgeries to attempt to get rid of this horrible disease, but it was relentless and to no avail, I still experience a majority of the symptoms. Even though my hormones are changing and my cycles are getting fewer and fewer. So, I have the added pleasure of those symptoms mixed in with all the perimenopausal fun.

For years I thought menopause was just some hormonal stuff causing mood swings, some hot flashes, night sweats and getting rid of the dreaded monthly visitor. You hear stories about so and so’s mama freaking out on the family and they make light of the situation saying she’s just going through the change. But the change is so much more than that. There is ridiculous anxiety, weight gain or weight loss, depletion of all energy, insomnia or disturbances in sleep, dizziness, brain fog, heart palpitations, dizziness, being foggy headed. And so much more that I may not have personally experienced, at least not yet.

Try to have patience and give grace to those who are going through any and every stage of menopause. This is nothing that we have asked for. There is not much we can do but roll with the changes and mood swings as our hormones bounce all over the place. We may not talk about what we are going through, but it would be nice to know that we can, and others would understand and not make us feel worse about ourselves during this transition.

Anybody that is willing to openly talk about their experiences, I welcome you with open ears. This is a real struggle for some people, me included. And any insight, advise, inspiration is appreciated. I’m sure not everyone has a bad experience with menopause, but I believe many of us silently struggle through this phase of our lives and even more of us navigate through it all alone. Because if you don’t experience this for yourself, you don’t understand. Hugs to all of us going through this hell…

Thursday was a special day. My grandson graduated from 5th grade, and it was his last day of school. That afternoon, we were going to pick up his older sister so she could spend some time with us over the summer break. On the way, we were driving up this street and saw black smoke. My grandson said that smoke looks like metal is burning. So, we drove by slowly to make sure the house wasn’t on fire and the house definitely was on fire. We turned around and ran up the driveway to see what we could do to help. Another lady was standing in the yard on the phone with 911. When we reached the house, there was a lady helping an elderly man off of the porch. The police showed up and helped get him into a car where they could drive him away from the fire since he was having trouble breathing.

Once everyone was in a safe place and the firetrucks started showing up, we just stood and accessed the situation. This was Papa’s house. His daughter, her husband and their six children (ranging from 8 months to 8 years old) all lived in this home. Mom and dad were not at home. We could only find two of the children so the neighbor (who was also a cousin) called to make sure mom had the other kids with her. Thank God she did. Papa was the only one home and the two kids were playing in the yard when the fire started. The police learned that Papa had some type of device; I’m not sure if it was oxygen or something for his heart but he only had 30 minutes remaining on the battery. The charger was in the house and there was no way of getting to it. They quickly called an ambulance and transported him to the hospital to make sure they could keep him alive.

Mom and dad show up separately around the same time. Mom parks her car in the neighbor’s front yard and runs up to the house in tears. At this point, the other 4 kids are still in the car, so me and my grandson just hang out by the car talking to the kids and trying to keep them calm. Mom starts freaking out then she realizes that their two dogs aren’t anywhere to be found. She is weeping as she is watching her home burn up in flames. Her cousin is standing next to her with her arm around her trying to comfort her saying “Everyone is ok. All of that stuff inside the house can be replaced. You guys can’t”. Several minutes passed and we were still trying to entertain the kids while their parents were dealing with everything. All of the sudden, mom comes running with their two dogs. The kids started crying out of pure happiness that the dogs were still alive.

This was such a humbling experience. I don’t think that I have ever watched a house burn like that before and I hope I never have to watch that again. It is hard to believe how your entire life can change in a blink of an eye. Dad was at work. Mom ran to the store. And in the few short minutes she was gone, their family lost everything. I cannot imagine how they felt. All of their clothes, furniture, pictures, toys, personal belongings gone forever. Their home. Their safe haven. Every single thing. But they had each other. I pray for this family. I pray they have a support system to help them get through this tragedy. I pray they can rebuild and be stronger together. I pray for their well-being and mental health. Such a sad moment in their lives. A moment that will never be forgotten. A moment me and my grandson will remember. Even though we never met this family, we felt a connection with them. Some type of indescribable love, compassion, sadness. Yet happiness to know that everyone was ok and it could have been so much worse. Thank you, Jesus for protecting this family.

As I stood amongst this family in a moment of complete vulnerability, I could not help but to be consumed with guilt. I felt guilty that I still had a home to go home to. I still had all of my belongings. Nothing in my life had changed. Other than witnessing somebody else’s life change forever. It is a helpless feeling. But I know that I have gone through several hardships in my life where I was the one whose life had just changed, and other people were there to support me. I guess that is a part of life. Just be there for each other and help other people when you can. Even if it is just standing with them and not letting them process whatever traumatic event they are facing alone.

I know this family has a long healing process ahead of them. I just pray that God is good to them. I wish I could do more to help. I guess when you can’t physically or financially do anything to help, you can always pray that God will do everything that you wish you could do. And He can do even much more than that.

While it’s been almost three whole months, it feels like just yesterday I lost my friend. I’ve lost grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, a fiancée, fur babies and now a friend. Not just a friend. One of my best friends. My bestie. My soul sister. Losing a close friend just hits different. If you are lucky enough to have a person who chooses to love you unconditionally and without judgement, listens to you, gives the best advise or sometimes, no advise at all, who laughs with you, cries with you and shares all the special moments with you in between; cherish that person forever. They are rare. Unique. Special. One of a kind. Some people search their whole lives for this type of friendship and never find it. I feel blessed to have had such a wonderful friend for as long as she was in my life.

I’m going to refer to her as Angel. After all, she is my guardian angel now. Me and Angel knew each other for the better part of 20 years. We talked on the phone for hours, hung out many times, cooked together, had a few drinks, laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company and had fun. To me, she was always a burst of energy, yet a breath of fresh air. She was blunt. She didn’t candy coat anything. I loved and hated that about her. At least you always knew where you stood with her. What you saw was what you got. She was probably one of the most genuine people I had ever met. And she had a heart of gold. She was a corrections officer for many years, so she learned to wear a poker face. And she never kept a large circle of friends. But she was kind to everybody. And somehow, I was lucky enough to be called one of her best friends.

Life happens; she got married to her childhood sweetheart and had kids and had her job. And I had my kids and grandkids and my job so there were times where we would go months or maybe even a year or better without talking or hanging out. But when we would reconnect, it was like we never missed a beat. We followed each other on social media, so we did still keep up with each other. She called me when her mom died, and I went with her to the funeral home. They had her cremated so there was no service. But still, Angel’s husband wouldn’t go with her, so I did. And after we left there, we went to Applebee’s for lunch. We shared many good times together. So many laughs, but we also shed lots of tears together too.

One random night around Christmas 2023, Angel sent me this simple text message. It read: “Please pray for me and the girls”. It kind of caught me off guard so I asked her if everything was alright. Her husband had met another woman. Angel was absolutely devastated. We began calling and texting every single day after that text. She revealed to me that she was having some health issues, but she was fine. I really should have pressed for more information about how sick she was. I never fully realized the mask that she wore, the suffering she endured, the fake upbeat tone in her voice so she didn’t have to burden anyone with her sickness. Or how scared she must have been. Most of our conversations were about how she was trying to heal from the pain of her divorce. And what the kids were up to each day, and how we both were just two broke bitches trying to make ends meet.

We would talk about her ex. Alot. She wanted to hate him so bad and just couldn’t. She was so angry and hurt by his betrayal. I had my own things going on at that time and some days we just tried our best to encourage each other. You know, put one foot in front of the other. Just one day at a time. I would always tell her, “Tomorrow will be better”. And tomorrow would come and she would say “I had some good moments today”. It took a long tiime before she claimed to have a good day and not just good moments, so we took all the good moments that we had and celebrated them. We spent hours upon hours on the phone like teenagers. Every time something happened, we had to call to tell each other about it. What I will never understand, is how did she hide her sickness so well? Or was I so oblivious? Did she try to tell me and I didn’t want to hear it? Was she in denial? Was I? She knew I struggled with death so a part of me thinks she didn’t want me to worry about her. Or she didn’t want me to leave her alone like her husband did.

Angel had a pet pig. He stayed in the house most of the time and went outside to use the bathroom. She used to tell me that the pig was mean to people he didn’t know. That is why she never had any company come over. It made sense to me. I have dogs and they don’t like anybody. And it probably easier to put a dog up in a room than it is to put a pig up. I invited Angel and her kids to come over all the time. Especially during the summer when the pool was open. But Angel always had an excuse. Looking back now, she knew what she was doing. She was able to maintain a happy voice as long as I couldn’t actually put my eyes on her. I know she was lonely. She told me that all the time. Her girls were older and had their own agenda. They also struggled watching their mom live in a state of depression over what their father did. There were times when my phone would ring at midnight or 2,3,4 am and Angel would just want me to sit on the phone with her as she cried so she wasn’t alone. If I would have known how lonely she really was, I would have found a way for us to get together. Pig or no pig, I would have sat there with her. I feel so guilty for not noticing. I feel like I could have, should have been better for her somehow. Jet at the same time, I think I was exactly what she wanted and needed me to be during the most difficult time in her life. She was definitely everything I needed at that moment in time.

I still talk to her. I imagine her voice and her laugh. Every time she called me she would say: hey girl, heyyyyy” and that echoes in my brain. The last time I ever talked to her, I had no idea that would be the last time I would hear that phrase. Or her voice. She told me that had to go for some tests, and she would let me know the results. I tried to text her that night, but she didn’t answer. I wasn’t worried because I figured she was resting. She had the most abnormal sleep schedule. Plus, when I talked to her, she sounded fine. A little tired maybe, but normal. The next morning, I text her and still no response. So, a couple hours later, I called her and got her voicemail. She would do this from time to time. And being in the hospital, you sleep when you can. Or maybe she forgot to charge her phone or something. Finally, a couple more hours passed and I called again. It rang one time and went to voicemail. A quick second later my phone rang and it was her. I answered the phone with relief. Only it wasn’t her, but her daughter. She asked me if I was driving and I was. So she told me to pull over to the side of the road. And then she told me that Angel was gone. She said it happened quickly, and Angel went peacefully. Her daughters held her in the room at the hospital until I got there to tell her goodbye. There was no service. No memorial. Right now, it’s just too painful for her girls.

As reality has kicked in, I’ve tried to process the whole last 15 months of her life. And all I can do is hope that I helped Angel feel less alone. I hope she knows that she was loved. I hope that she knew she was enough. I hope she knew how much she was valued. I wish I would have known her battle so she wouldn’t have faced that mountain alone. She was so brave. I miss her so much. I miss our talks over absolutely nothing. I miss her jokes and her laugh. I miss her being a part of my everyday life. But at the same time, I am happy that she is free. She feels no more pain or suffering. Although her story came to an end way sooner than it should have, I am honored to have been pages in her book. Just as she is in mine. I will cherish our friendship and love Angel forever. Until we meet again one day.

This is my first ever blog. I experienced something tonight and I wanted to share what happened. I am not trying to bring myself any praise or anything. Instead, I hope to inspire you to think outside of your norm and embrace unique opportunities that are presented to be a blessing to someone else.

My daughter, grandson and I stopped at the gas station on our way home from dinner. On my daughter’s way into the store, she saw a couple, that appeared to be homeless sitting on the ground, sharing one jacket to help keep them warm. She asked if there was anything she could do for them, and they said they would appreciate whatever was given to them. She bought them a meal and a drink and brought it out to them. She said they were very thankful, but she could tell they were cold.

There is a reason why I am a hoarder of all the blankets. We came home and I dug out two large, warm blankets out of the closet. My grandson and I drove back to the gas station to find the couple huddled together, shaking from the cold. My grandson and I brought the blankets over to them and covered them both up. They thanked us several times and thanked God for providing warmth for them. Whether you believe in God or not, prayers were answered just by that small act of kindness.

I don’t experience opportunities like this all the time, but when it slapped me in the face, my first thought was I need to help these people. I have no idea what their story is. I don’t know if they are actually homeless or not. I don’t know if they are drunk or on drugs. I don’t know if they have a job, or a family, or absolutely anything about them. But what I did know was that none of those matters. They are human beings and if I were in that situation, I did what I would pray somebody would do for me. Help without passing any judgement.

Tonight, I am going to pray for this couple. I pray they receive multiple blessings. I pray they have shelter. I pray they have food. I pray they have people in their lives that can help them or guide them in the right direction. I pray they are safe. I pray they are warm. I pray they find peace in the middle of the chaos. And I pray they are encouraged by the kind act of other people. People that give without expectation. People they will probably never see again. I believe sometimes we are called to a specific location at a specific time to be the divine intervention that someone else desperately needs at that exact moment.

I truly understand that we cannot help everyone. I wish we could. But we can choose to do small acts of kindness. I am teaching my grandchildren to have compassion and empathy for other people. I am teaching them to give without expecting anything in return. There is so much evil in the world. Sometimes we need to remind others and be reminded ourselves that there is still good in the world. And people can be nice and do things that they don’t have to, purely out of the kindness of their heart. And the world needs to experience more of that.

Welcome to my world!! 🙂 A place of never-ending thoughts, laughs, tears, questions, hopes and dreams. I decided to start a blog mostly as a place to vent. And through this journey, maybe we all can find some type of therapeutic escape from life and reality and create a fun place to come together. I like to tell stories, so I hope to provide at least a little entertainment. And sometimes it is nice to stumble across somebody else that can relate to some of the nonsense that we deal with in life. I really never read anyone else’s blog before, so I am winging it here. I would rather just be me anyway…